How I long to be...

Some things that resonated with me from morning prayers and readings today...

"Happy are those who hear the word in a spirit of openness; they shall bear fruit through perseverance." - Luke 23:46

"...We pray daily in sheer felicity, in communion, in close contact with the Father, asking nothing whatever but the joy of knowing Him."
- Fulton Oursler (quoted in Conversation with Christ, p. 62)

"When I found your words, I devoured them; they became my joy and the happiness of my heart,
Because I bore your name, O Lord, God of hosts." - Jer 15:16

An amazing Priest...gone home to heaven...

After three months in the hospital battling double-pneumonia, 55 years of serving in the Priesthood, and 89 years of life... Father Edward Richardson passed away this past Saturday, April 26. I still can't quite believe it. I wasn't really close with my grandparents, but this is how I imagine people feel when really amazing and well-known grandparents pass away.

Father was a man who lived his vocation to the fullest. He was a great Priest. But that's not what I mean when I say he lived his vocation. Before all else, he was a great lover of God. That love is what overflowed into all of us who had the blessing to know Father.

This is what I've realized. It seemed like Father had everything together. He was everywhere and everyone knew him, but he was never stressed out or seemed like he was in a rush. He always had time to talk to anyone. Yet he was almost always on time or usually even early. It seemed like he was constantly giving of himself. Yet somehow he was never exhausted. Even when his body started to give up, he would keep going. When I saw him in the hospital two months ago, he insisted on giving me a blessing before I left and wanted to know all about how my family and I were doing. How could he give and give and not get stressed out or burn out? The longer he lived and the more the condition of his body deteriorated the more joyful he became. He didn't even start to have any kind of health problems until the last few years.

I think the key is that Father already did give himself away completely to the Lord. He was a completely dedicated lover of Christ. And does Christ ever turn away from us or get tired of us? No. Never. We do. But we just wear out if we don't spend time being personally filled up by the Lord. Anyway, Father did that. He stayed close to Christ at all costs. And I think that's why he could give of himself so simply and completely. He wasn't giving anything at all - he'd already given himself to the Lord. After that, it was merely a question of what God wanted him to do at the moment.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

That's how Father did so much. He wasn't doing it - it was Christ. I think Father traded his yoke for the yoke of Christ a long, long time ago. We, the people who were blessed to know him, got to see Christ through him. Now I'm sure that we're even more blessed because he's in heaven, resting with the Lord, but I'm sure still asking God to shower down blessings on us.

What did we do to be so blessed to have Father at our little chapel for so long? I know he was there for at least 15-20 years...maybe more. They're expecting 3,000 to 5,000 people at the wake. That's only a fraction of the people that Father touched. And we, the little parish of Holy Family, were his pride and joy.

My brother got the news that Father had passed away via an e-mail on his phone. He was in the auto parts store at 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday night trying to get his car fixed so he could drive youth group kids on a field trip the next day. My sister was volunteering at a Christian concert. I was at a Young Fire Mass. It's fitting that that's what we were doing on the day he passed into eternal life. It's not luck that we're the way we are. It's the blessing of having grown up with the prayer and guidance of amazing people like Father. He had the most simple, straightforward faith. He just loved God and loved us. That was it. And Christ worked through him to touch so many people. Calmly, gently, and lovingly. Not hectically. Not on a stage, not with anything but humility. Just through Father being the loving man of God that he is.

I read through some passages in the New Testament on Saturday night. Everything Christ taught...Father embodied. He LIVED the gospel. He didn't just preach it on Sunday. It was humbling, but also encouraging. The happiest, most joyful man I know got to be that way by giving his life to the Lord and living the gospel. So why do we drag our feet to do it too?

Intellectually, I know that it's a beautiful thing that Father has finally gone home to rest. It's probably the first real vacation he's ever had. I have every confidence in the world that he is with the Lord. But emotionally...I don't quite have that peace yet. I can't imagine him not being here with us. I know it's selfish, and even unfounded because if I want to be selfish, I know that Father's probably praying for us that much more from heaven. It doesn't change the fact that I miss him. I know the best way to pay him tribute is to be a person of faith, hope, love, and charity. But right now, I don't know how to do much besides cry. I don't really want to talk about it. Not yet. I just feel utterly and completely exhausted. I feel crippled. Please pray for those of us here. Pray for the strength to be men and women of God who will make Father proud as he looks down to us from Heaven.

Thank you Lord for Father Richardson.

I'm dreaming of a white Regent....

My sleep schedule has been a bit off the past week. The last day or two I've really been struggling to get out of bed. This morning, in between my alarms going off, I had some crazy vivid dreams. In the first, I was traveling on a futuristic submarine-like vessel. I'm not sure if we were in the water or in space. The team was on an exploration mission. One person at a time would use a min-sub teathered to the main sub to explore beyond the sub. I didn't stay in REM sleep long enough to have a turn in the mini-sub, and I'm not really sure what we were looking for, but I FELT like I was there. When the sub dove, I felt weightless and floating...like that split second on a roller coaster, but for longer and without any restraints but the sub ceiling.

The next dream I had was about Regent. The whole place was covered in about half a foot of snow. I was driving over to go to the Comm building, but I didn't recognize anything. There was all of this new construction tacked on the side of buildings...like they were trying to make the campus look like a medival castle. I was so confused. I'd been on campus a week or two before, yet nothing looked the same. I don't know what was up with that dream, but I sledded down a parking lot on some random big bag and almost crashed into a few people. Again, it was just incredibly vivid. I felt like I was there and I felt frusterated that I didn't know where I was going or even why I was on campus.

It's been a long time since I've had dreams real enough that I couldn't quite distinquish them from reality at first. The rest of the time I was lying in bed I was very prayerful. I've really been hearing God a lot more than usual lately... I'm finally letting go of the past and my own plans and just listening to God. I'm sure I'll go through denial phases, but I'm trying....

I want to play more

And just leap for joy for the Lord. I was in adoration tonight at Spirit and Truth... Joshua was leading worship, I prayed evening prayer, and was just surrounded by this awesome group of people worshiping God. And I wanted to jump up and down and dance like David. That urge doesn't hit me often anymore.

I want to be wild and crazy again... but was I ever really that crazy?

Stop lying to one another...

...since you have taken off the old self with its practices. (Col 3:9)

I've been praying morning and evening prayer from liturgy of the hours for the past week now. On Easter Monday it just hit me that it was time to start. Yesterday morning the reading was from Colossians and about putting aside all aspects of a past life and putting to death all earthly parts of your being in order to completely live in Christ as one of God's chosen ones. The line that really hit me was "stop lying to one another." Paul's writing to a community of new Christians, and says stop lying to one another. That hit me today. There was no dancing around the bush. He just called them out on lying to each other.

I don't directly really lie...but I don't really disclose much about myself or how I feel. I just went down to Charlotte for Elise's bridal shower. She's been my best friend since we were ten. Yet it was just this weekend I really told her about any of the relationships I've been in in either high school or college. On the drive home I made some calls I should have made years ago. Well, one I should have made years ago, some that are kind of recent things. I have been praying about it for quite awhile and discussed it with my spiritual director first. But what good is reading the Bible if it doesn't become part of us and convict us to change? That morning prayer pushed me over the edge to finally change.

Paul continues. "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another...and over all put on love...let the peace of Christ control your hearts...let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly..." AH! It's so great. I copied the whole passage below. That is everything I've been yearning for...the virtues Paul describes. As Matthew Kelly says in the "Seven Pilliars of Catholic Spirituality," Confession is the number one pilliar because you can't run toward something unless your running away from something else. You can't be free to pursue the Lord with your whole heart unless you empty your heart of attachments to vices and wordly desires. Paul starts off this passage with a renunciation of vice and then says REPLACE those things with the peace of the Lord.

I have fallen down a lot lately. I really haven't been practicing much of anything from Paul's list of virtues. I've been wanting to, trying to, but unable to... and I think it's because I didn't realize how much my holding back emotionally has been nothing but an expression of pride. I've been going through the motions instead of just living in the peace of Christ and opperating out of love and charity. Where can and virtues fit in if I'm allowing pride to control my actions? It's time to cut it out.

There's something else that really hit me. Whenever a passage convicts me, I check out all the references from it.. and that led me to Hebrews 12. "...Let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith...Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that yoiu may not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons: 'My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord or lose heart when reproved by Him; for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines; he scourges every son he acknowledges.' Endure your trials as 'discipline;' God treats you as sons. For what 'son' is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are without discipline, in which all have shared, you are not sons but bastards."

Yeah.

Colossians 3:5-17

5(A)Therefore consider (B)the members of your earthly body as dead to (C)immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.
6For it is because of these things that (D)the wrath of God will come [a]upon the sons of disobedience,
7and (E)in them you also once walked, when you were living in them.
8But now you also, (F)put them all aside: (G)anger, wrath, malice, slander, and (H)abusive speech from your mouth.
9(I)Do not lie to one another, since you (J)laid aside the old self with its evil practices,
10and have (K)put on the new self who is being (L)renewed to a true knowledge (M)according to the image of the One who (N)created him--
11a renewal in which (O)there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, (P)circumcised and uncircumcised, [b](Q)barbarian, Scythian, (R)slave and freeman, but (S)Christ is all, and in all.
12So, as those who have been (T)chosen of God, holy and beloved, (U)put on a (V)heart of compassion, kindness, (W)humility, gentleness and (X)patience;
13(Y)bearing with one another, and (Z)forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; (AA)just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
14Beyond all these things put on love, which is (AB)the perfect bond of (AC)unity.
15Let (AD)the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in (AE)one body; and be thankful.
16Let (AF)the word of [c]Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom (AG)teaching and admonishing one another (AH)with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, (AI)singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
17(AJ)Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, (AK)giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Sometimes you just can't win...

Sometimes everyone wants a different little piece of you. They want you avaliable all the time, but they want you to take a break and relax and be normal. They want you to stop answering your phone obsessively...unless it's for them. They want you to be around, but then get vexed by your presence. They want you to be yourself, but really they want yourself to be a discipled version of themselves...or do they? They want you to respect the fact that they quite openly loathe phone conversations, but get irrated when you don't call. Or when you do.

I've been getting on a lot of peoples nerves lately. I've stopped listening to all the junk people fill the air with and I've stopped being phased by drama. And it irritates people. I love everyone, but I try to only confide in the solid Christians in my life. I turn my phone on silent when I'm spending quality time with someone, especially when that someone is Jesus.

The simple fact is, you can't win. You can never please everyone...you really can't even please yourself. When it comes down to the line, there's only one person to whom you report. All the law of the prohets can be condensed in two decidedly simple concepts - love the Lord, your God, above all else, and love your neighbor as yourself. We love, first and foremost, because of God. If we just stay focused on loving Christ, and loving others because of Christ, then we'll be straight and stay on the narrow road. What's so complicated??

Not to be dramatic...

But I just want to go back to school or somehow feel like I have some worth or value to anyone in this world... thanks for refining me God, but why so much??? Couldn't we work out an installment plan? Even as I say that I know it could be a lot more than it is now, but blah! Makes me just want to sit in my room, sleep, and watch TV if I'm not out solving some world problem or just making a difference to someone. I feel so freaking ineffective at life.

Justification

Today's first reading is about the fall of man -

The serpent asked the woman,
“Did God really tell you not to eat
from any of the trees in the garden?”
The woman answered the serpent:
“We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden;
it is only about the fruit of the tree
in the middle of the garden that God said,
‘You shall not eat it or even touch it, lest you die.’”
But the serpent said to the woman:
“You certainly will not die!
No, God knows well that the moment you eat of it
your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods
who know what is good and what is evil.”
The woman saw that the tree was good for food,
pleasing to the eyes, and desirable for gaining wisdom.
So she took some of its fruit and ate it;
and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her,
and he ate it.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened,
and they realized that they were naked;
so they sewed fig leaves together
and made loincloths for themselves.

I think it's interesting how we justify sin. We make it go away and not seem like sin. I don't remember where I read it lately, but people rarely do bad things thinking that they're bad. They may know that they're bad, but they make excuses to justify their actions. Eve justified eating the fruit by looking at all of it's good qualities. After they did it, their eyes were opened and things like temptations entered the world. I know after I screw up, all of the justifications usually disappear and I just see the truth - I chose sinfulness over righteousness.

Wow! At least to me, the readings really flow today - Psalm 51, w/ the response "Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned."

Ps 51:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 17

R. (cf. 3a) Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
For I acknowledge my offense,
and my sin is before me always:
“Against you only have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight.”
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your Holy Spirit take not from me.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
Give me back the joy of your salvation,
and a willing spirit sustain in me.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.

After sinning, we realize we need God's forgiveness and for Him to create a new heart in us... HE must open our mouths to proclaim His praise... it comes from God. We just choose to give it back or to throw it away.

Second reading - Romans 5:12-19

I think I'm going to put a lot of this reading into my talk on the cross for the Rez this weekend. If something like sin can enter the world through one person, how much MORE can grace and salvation enter the world through Christ??

For if, by the transgression of the one,
death came to reign through that one,
how much more will those who receive the abundance of grace
and of the gift of justification
come to reign in life through the one Jesus Christ.

There is so much deep theological stuff in this reading that I can tell is there but goes over my head... here's stuff from Haydock's Bible Commentary, but even a lot of this goes over my head:

Ver. 12. As by one man...in whom [2] all have sinned. That is, in which man all sinned, (not in which death all sinned) as it must be the construction by the Greek text: so that these words are a clear proof of original sin against the Pelagian heretics, as St. Augustine often brings them. Nor does St. Chrysostom deny original sin, though in this place he expounds it that all by Adam's sin were made guilty of death and punishments. But how could they deserve these, had they not sinned in Adam? (Witham)

Ver. 13-14. Until the law, sin was in the world. That is, from Adam's fall, both original sin and actual sins truly infected all mankind. (Witham) --- Not imputed. That is, men knew not, or made no account of sin; neither was it imputed to them, in the manner it was afterwards, when they transgressed the known written law of God. (Challoner) --- All were conceived and born in sin, in what we call original sin, and liable to death, even infants, who were not come to the use of reason, and consequently could not sin after the similitude of the transgression of Adam, or by imitating his sin, but were born in sin: and besides this, all manner of actual sins, which men committed by their own perverse will, reigned every where in the world. But before the law these sins were not imputed, that is, were not declared sins, that deserved such punishments as were ordained by the law. --- Adam, who is a figure of him that was to come. That is, of Christ, whom the apostle calls the last Adam, 1 Corinthians xv. 45. But he was a figure by contraries. By the first Adam, sin and death entered into the world; by Christ, justice and life. (Witham)

Ver. 15. &c. But not as the offence, so also is the gift, or the benefits which mankind receive by their Redeemer, Jesus Christ. For St. Paul here shews that the graces which Christ came to bestow upon men, and offers to all, are much greater than the evils which the sin of one man, Adam, caused. 1. Because, if by the offence of that one man, Adam, many, i.e. all died by original sin that descended from Adam, (the blessed Virgin mother by a special privilege being always excepted) much more that grace of one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many,[3] the comparison does not imply that more in number receive the grace of Christ, than were infected with sin; but that they who receive the graces which are offered to all, receive greater benefits than were the damages caused by the sin of Adam. For the judgment indeed was by one unto condemnation, or so as to make all guilty of one sin, that is, of original sin; and for other actual sins, men committed them by their own proper will; whereas the grace of Christ justifies men from many sins; that is, also from all sins which they have committed by their own malice. 2. Because by it, that is, by the offence of one man, death reigned in the world, and made all men liable to damnation; yet now by the incarnation of Christ, (which would not have been, had not Adam sinned) all they who are justified by the grace of their Redeemer, have Christ God and man for their head: he is become the head of that same mystical body which is his Church: they are exalted to the dignity of being the brothers of Christ, the Son of God; they are made joint heirs with him of the kingdom of heaven, and so by the grace of Christ have a greater dignity in this world, and shall be exalted to a greater and more eminent degree of glory in the kingdom of his glory for all eternity; which hath given occasion to the Church, in her liturgy, to cry out, as it were with a transport of joy, O happy fault, which hath procured us such and so great a Redeemer! See St. Chrysostom,[4] hom. x. (Witham)

http://haydock1859.tripod.com/id149.html

The sin of Adam and Eve takes us away from the initial place God put us - not quite united with Him, but able to walk with Him and talk with Him. The grace of Christ's sacrifice gives us the gift of grace and justification and not only being with Him walking but being ONE with Him... a daughter/son of GOD. It blows my mind.

The Gospel - Matt 4:1-11 - the temptation of Jesus in the desert. Christ never gives in; He never even tries to rationalize or justify. I probably would have said something like, "oh, yah, I will prove that I'm who I say I am," and justified giving into temptation that way. But that's why I'm not God... From Adam and Eve giving into temptation with weak justification, to a plea for mercy, to a commentary from St. Paul about how through Adam sin entered the world and through Christ something so much greater entered the world, to Christ perfectly resisting temptation... wow Church, way to put the readings together this week!

On a personal note - I need to spend a lot less time with people and a lot more alone with God. I see lately how much potential I have to hurt people with nothing more than the over use of words. I need to be open and honest with others about my life. But if I spend more time than is healthy with other people and not enough with God, there is a tremendous potential for me to say things I should never say and simply hurt others through over involvement. If I spend less time with people, I think the time I do spend will be infinitely more meaningful.

I know I've screwed up a lot, especially lately. I only want to do what is right and in God's will. And I strive to do that..but I rationalize doing things that hurt others because of the amount of time I spend daily in conversation that isn't completely Christ-centered. If I spend too much time thinking about my own affairs or especially those of others, I don't leave much time to contemplate the mysteries of God or grow deeper in my relationship with Him.

God's been convicting me a lot lately, but it's all a general theme - cut back on stupid time, spend more time with Him, bring balance to my life, and be open with the people I need to be open with...there just shouldn't be so many that it turns into gossip for me to be open. I just need to address what I need to address with the direct people involved. And I need to be less involved in general, so that there isn't this constant need to solve interpersonal problems...it has to go back to the root problem of over involvement.

Shoot myself in the foot

Last night I realized how much I do miss just taking off...not that I ever really did it all that much or for anything more than a day. But I would just take off and go for walks in the woods or down to the river with nothing but my dog, a few books, and/or a guitar. A few months ago a friend of mine called me out on not getting out into the woods enough. She said she didn't understand the draw, but even from a distance (we've never even lived in the same state) she knew how much I needed it. I've been a real slacker on that though.

It's really not unrealistic for me to plan on quiting everything and hitting the trail in a few years, like our original plan. If I do start grad school in the fall, Jaime and I should finish right around the same time. And I should be able to save up enough to pay for insurances and whatever supplies I'd need to be gone for like 6 months to a year (in case it takes awhile to find a job).

I hate my phone more and more every day. I hate that I can't just let go of it. I'd fast from it for Lent, but I feel like that'd be horribly inconvenient for others. And I hate it, but I don't know if I can quite let go of it yet.

I absolutely love spending quality time with people - like having them over for dinner, going for walks, etc... but there's just been so much lately. So much sharing with so many people and so much being discussed that I don't even know it helps anyone for me to know. Are we helping each other to draw closer to Christ? Or are we just being stupid and dramatic?

It hit me last night when a friend was telling me a little bit about her prior much more Bohemian lifestyle. I love people and security and being depended on too much to just take off, but sometimes, it really tempts me.

One of the things I'm doing for Lent, as per copying one of my roommates, is giving up needless spending. Stopping for coffee when I really don't need it/it isn't a bonding time w/ a kid... getting any kind of clothes I don't absolutely need, etc... the little things that add up. It's going to be interesting to see how my bank account changes over the next forty days.

Ash Wednesday

So today is the start of Lent. I remember my freshmen year of college at Lent. I was so stressed out by how life just seemed to continue on as normal during Lent. A time of preparation for the ultimate sacrifice of our Lord--and classes went on, meetings went on, parties during Holy Week went on... it really bothered me. I wanted to just withdraw from normal society and spend time in prayer with Christ. My sophomore year my band at the time was asked to be the opening band for a show at a bar-esque restaurant on Good Friday. I really considered it before I finally cast my vote for no. By my senior year, I really didn't care. I don't remember where I was for Easter--at school or at home or somewhere else entirely. I don't even remember what I did to try to draw closer to God that Lent. Last year I was still acclimating to life outside of school and just trying to keep my head above water in youth ministry. I feel a world apart from where I was last year.

The beginning of the Lenten season in my missal says, "The word 'Lent' is an ancient word for spring. The season of Lent is a time in our personal lives for new life to appear and for old frozen attitudes to disappear. It is a time to clear the ground, to clear away rubbish. A time for sowing, so that one day, the Day of the Lord, there will be a harvest."

I want this year to be different. I want it to be more than a "I'm just going to give up _____ for Lent." I want to make it be a letting go of some attitudes and rubbish in my life and taking on a renewed life that's refocused on God. I want to be aware again, and more than I've ever been before, of how much I personally need to stay focused on God and how much I have offended Him when I don't.

I know some of the things I need to do in my life, some of the attachments I need to be freed from in order to completely focus on Christ. I see some of the major mistakes I made when I got here. And I hate "changing" around people that already know me one way because it might mean explaining myself or pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But it has to happen. It's not even a real sacrifice, because I know that the joy of being closer to God and walking in a straighter path toward Him is worth SOOO much more than than the discomfort of a little change.

Preconceptions, desire, and jealousy

I just finished re-reading Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. I think that's one of my favorite books of all time. Last time I read it I was really struck by how amazing God's love is for us and how critical the sacrifice of the Cross is. I got that renewed again this time, which was actually why I re-read the book (preparing a talk on the Cross and will probably post some of it soon) but what also hit me was how much preconceptions lead to desire which can lead to jealousy and to sins of a more grave matter.

In the book, sentient beings are created for the first time on the planet Venus. There is one woman and one man. The world is uncorrupted by evil, but the devil attempts to gain a foothold in Venus via a corrupt professor/scientist. Another professor is sent to do God's work in defending the pure world from the evil brought to it.

In one of the first exchanges between the good professor (Ransom) and the Lady, she cannot comprehend the concepts of death or disappointment. She was at first excited to see him, thinking he was the King (her husband) but she could not identify disappointment in her reaction to discovering he was Ransom and not the King. Finding Ransom instead was simply, in her mind, a different good than the one she had expected.

"'What you have made me see,' answered the Lady, 'is as plain as the sky, but I never saw it before. yet it has happened every day. One goes into the forest to pick food and the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one's mind. Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before - that the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you. And if you wished--if it were possible to wish--you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other....

...You and the King differ more than two kinds of fruit. The joy of finding him again and the joy of all the new knowlege I have had from you are more unlike than two tastes; and when the difference is as great as that, and each of the two things so great, then the first picture does stay in the mind quite a long time--many beats of the heart--after the other good has come. And this is the glory and wonder you have made me see; that it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good. Out of my own heart I do it. One can conceive a heart which did not: which clung to the good it had first thought of and turned the good which was given it into no good.'" (p. 69, 1944, Macmillan hardback edition)

That's the start of a concept of not being completely in God's will. To have a preconceived picture of the good that is coming, and then not choose to switch gears and be thankful of the good given. If we don't choose to embrace what God gives us, and there is good that can be found in every situation and gift, and instead cling to something we desire... we're choosing our own will over God's will. We've choosing to desire something that may not ever have been intended for us. Then what if someone else is given what we desire? How easily can jealousy develop!

I think a perfect example of that is vocations discernment. I'm going to put this in the first person. If I have a preconceived notion that my vocation is marriage, I could easily start to think about it, dwell on it, and desire it. Then take it a step further and say there's a man that I'm attracted to and is someone I could see myself marrying . And what if I let myself start to desire a relationship with that man. Then say I see him really connecting with and being attracted to someone else...isn't jealousy the next natural step? It's too late to address jealousy when we let the emotion manifest itself.

In order to really be free from jealousy, we have to go back further than just letting go of something we want when we see someone else has it. We have to let go of desire and before we can do that, we have to keep our preconceptions in check.

I see this happen in so many aspects of my life. We have to have vision and direction, but it needs to be God's vision and direction and we need to be compliant and flexible. I struggle with letting myself become too attached to my own personal visions and plans. Then I compare with how others are doing and I start to compete and I start to get jealous if I think they're doing better than I am. And when things start to go "right" I don't want to let go--even if it might be going to where God really wants me to be.

Isn't it crazy how God can convict us with something new every day? It's like there's always something to work on, always a way to draw closer to God until the day when we're finally completely with Him. Being classically trained, even though it hasn't resulted in me being a particularly good musician, has done more for my walk with Christ than almost anything else. Because in music, there is always a better, you can always practice more. Even the best performance is never quite perfect. Even if all the notes are perfectly nailed, there could always be better tone or expression. There is such a thing as perfect, but we don't really know what that sounds like. But we always, always, always strive for perfection. There are peaks and valleys, plateaus, etc... in musical development. It also teaches patience and listening. When I started my classical training, I couldn't sit still and focus on practicing for five minutes, let alone sit and pray and listen to God for five minutes. By the time I left Radford, I could sit in a practice room for two hours straight with nothing but my guitar and was prepared to sit in the presence of Christ and just LISTEN. It's still very difficult for me to be quiet for very long in prayer, but I think music was a massive tool God used in my life to accelerate my ability to focus and listen for His voice.

And people have different musical gifts, that come together to be something far greater than they are alone. There are many gifts, but only one Spirit who gives them all. It's all music. All of our different talents are straight from God. They're just manifest in different ways, and different people are open to the Spirit in varying degrees.

Abandonment to Christ and being being fully present

Well here's my first post in this blog. My general journaling style these days is reflecting on the daily readings and things like that. I just want to be able to access it anywhere and possibly refer a few people to read it when I want to discuss something that it'd be easier if they read first. So here goes.

There’s no question that Christ loves and honors his mother. But look at Mark 3:31-35. When people told him his mother and brothers were waiting outside, he did not get up and run to them. Instead, he responded that his mother and brothers were there in the circle and said that whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother. My other relationships cannot interfere with the immediate relationships I have with people I am with right now. That doesn’t mean not to love and honor the other people in my life – simply that we all must understand we can’t expect others to put us in an extremely high position when we really must love everyone as family.

Yesterday I met one of my girls for lunch and I turned my phone on silent. I probably had the best conversation I’ve ever had with her for two completely dedicated hours. Then I went for a walk with another one of my girls, and again, had an amazing Christ-centered conversation. My phone was off the entire time. Other than me being cold and having a runny nose, nothing distracted me from focusing on her. After that I talked with a third girl on the phone for about forty-five minutes. Again, a focused conversation.

I’ve realized lately that my obsessive availability is a big mistake. First, it allows people to talk to me instead of going straight to God. Not that there’s anything special about me. It’s just easier to talk to someone who audibly responds. But we need to help each other to go straight to God. Yes, go to each other for encouragement and guidance and to be humble and let others be Christ to us, but we have to take our problems and stresses to God’s altar. No middle man. Second, my availability to everyone interferes with me being fully present with whoever I’m with – be it personal time with God, a youth group kid, a friend, the work I’m doing… it’s just not a good thing.

I look at Father Geddes. He doesn’t plan a whole bunch of activities for us. If he’s with someone, he doesn’t answer his phone. He calls back when he can, but he doesn’t jip the person he’s with at the moment. What he gives to us is an outpouring of his relationship with God. He is almost always fully present, fully listening, fully praying and being open to the Holy Spirit. Of course he also has a lot of grace we don’t and is in-persona Christi in the Confessional, but the way he mentors us is to make that time available and make it like there is nothing more important than that time.

How much have I not been fully present, fully vulnerable, fully willing to sacrifice, fully desiring of God? Sister Therese Marie gave an amazing talk this past weekend on growth in Christ and I think it changed my life. God comes to us so completely. He wants nothing more than to be united with us, so much that he constantly makes himself available, is completely vulnerable and sacrifices everything for us. And what do we bring back? I know I certainly fall far short of returning the love and being in a complete relationship with him. So duh I struggle to know my vocation and be at complete peace, let alone pass that on to youth.

If God came to my door, knocked, and said, “leave everything and follow me,” I think I’d have no problem even leaving without clothes on my back. But that’s not the way he works. He’s not going to make that request until I’ve shown my complete abandon to Him with the little things. This morning I could have gotten up the first time my alarm went off and sacrificed the time I snoozed to spend more time in prayer. I could have taken a shorter shower. I could be more efficient at my work. I may not really watch TV anymore, but I certainly waste time on my computer with the stupidity of facebook and myspace and junk like that. There really is enough time in the day that I could spend eight hours sleeping, one at Mass, one in personal prayer, an hour doing things like showering and exercising some, six doing paperwork/Dodge/meetings, four in dedicated quality being fully present with people, and still have three random hours free.

Sister Therese said something else that really hit me. God doesn’t want workers, he wants lovers. Yes, the harvest is great and the workers are few – but it’s GOD’s harvest. When we work for him, it’s not our work, it’s His work. We’re merely the physical hands and feet of Christ. The relationship Christ desires with us is as lovers. To be one with Him. Otherwise he would have incorporated and written by-laws instead of dying on a Cross and starting a Church and leaving it to people. He desires us, whole and entire, with all of our faults and shortcomings in the open.