Preconceptions, desire, and jealousy

I just finished re-reading Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. I think that's one of my favorite books of all time. Last time I read it I was really struck by how amazing God's love is for us and how critical the sacrifice of the Cross is. I got that renewed again this time, which was actually why I re-read the book (preparing a talk on the Cross and will probably post some of it soon) but what also hit me was how much preconceptions lead to desire which can lead to jealousy and to sins of a more grave matter.

In the book, sentient beings are created for the first time on the planet Venus. There is one woman and one man. The world is uncorrupted by evil, but the devil attempts to gain a foothold in Venus via a corrupt professor/scientist. Another professor is sent to do God's work in defending the pure world from the evil brought to it.

In one of the first exchanges between the good professor (Ransom) and the Lady, she cannot comprehend the concepts of death or disappointment. She was at first excited to see him, thinking he was the King (her husband) but she could not identify disappointment in her reaction to discovering he was Ransom and not the King. Finding Ransom instead was simply, in her mind, a different good than the one she had expected.

"'What you have made me see,' answered the Lady, 'is as plain as the sky, but I never saw it before. yet it has happened every day. One goes into the forest to pick food and the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one's mind. Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before - that the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you. And if you wished--if it were possible to wish--you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other....

...You and the King differ more than two kinds of fruit. The joy of finding him again and the joy of all the new knowlege I have had from you are more unlike than two tastes; and when the difference is as great as that, and each of the two things so great, then the first picture does stay in the mind quite a long time--many beats of the heart--after the other good has come. And this is the glory and wonder you have made me see; that it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good. Out of my own heart I do it. One can conceive a heart which did not: which clung to the good it had first thought of and turned the good which was given it into no good.'" (p. 69, 1944, Macmillan hardback edition)

That's the start of a concept of not being completely in God's will. To have a preconceived picture of the good that is coming, and then not choose to switch gears and be thankful of the good given. If we don't choose to embrace what God gives us, and there is good that can be found in every situation and gift, and instead cling to something we desire... we're choosing our own will over God's will. We've choosing to desire something that may not ever have been intended for us. Then what if someone else is given what we desire? How easily can jealousy develop!

I think a perfect example of that is vocations discernment. I'm going to put this in the first person. If I have a preconceived notion that my vocation is marriage, I could easily start to think about it, dwell on it, and desire it. Then take it a step further and say there's a man that I'm attracted to and is someone I could see myself marrying . And what if I let myself start to desire a relationship with that man. Then say I see him really connecting with and being attracted to someone else...isn't jealousy the next natural step? It's too late to address jealousy when we let the emotion manifest itself.

In order to really be free from jealousy, we have to go back further than just letting go of something we want when we see someone else has it. We have to let go of desire and before we can do that, we have to keep our preconceptions in check.

I see this happen in so many aspects of my life. We have to have vision and direction, but it needs to be God's vision and direction and we need to be compliant and flexible. I struggle with letting myself become too attached to my own personal visions and plans. Then I compare with how others are doing and I start to compete and I start to get jealous if I think they're doing better than I am. And when things start to go "right" I don't want to let go--even if it might be going to where God really wants me to be.

Isn't it crazy how God can convict us with something new every day? It's like there's always something to work on, always a way to draw closer to God until the day when we're finally completely with Him. Being classically trained, even though it hasn't resulted in me being a particularly good musician, has done more for my walk with Christ than almost anything else. Because in music, there is always a better, you can always practice more. Even the best performance is never quite perfect. Even if all the notes are perfectly nailed, there could always be better tone or expression. There is such a thing as perfect, but we don't really know what that sounds like. But we always, always, always strive for perfection. There are peaks and valleys, plateaus, etc... in musical development. It also teaches patience and listening. When I started my classical training, I couldn't sit still and focus on practicing for five minutes, let alone sit and pray and listen to God for five minutes. By the time I left Radford, I could sit in a practice room for two hours straight with nothing but my guitar and was prepared to sit in the presence of Christ and just LISTEN. It's still very difficult for me to be quiet for very long in prayer, but I think music was a massive tool God used in my life to accelerate my ability to focus and listen for His voice.

And people have different musical gifts, that come together to be something far greater than they are alone. There are many gifts, but only one Spirit who gives them all. It's all music. All of our different talents are straight from God. They're just manifest in different ways, and different people are open to the Spirit in varying degrees.