Not to be dramatic...

But I just want to go back to school or somehow feel like I have some worth or value to anyone in this world... thanks for refining me God, but why so much??? Couldn't we work out an installment plan? Even as I say that I know it could be a lot more than it is now, but blah! Makes me just want to sit in my room, sleep, and watch TV if I'm not out solving some world problem or just making a difference to someone. I feel so freaking ineffective at life.

Justification

Today's first reading is about the fall of man -

The serpent asked the woman,
“Did God really tell you not to eat
from any of the trees in the garden?”
The woman answered the serpent:
“We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden;
it is only about the fruit of the tree
in the middle of the garden that God said,
‘You shall not eat it or even touch it, lest you die.’”
But the serpent said to the woman:
“You certainly will not die!
No, God knows well that the moment you eat of it
your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods
who know what is good and what is evil.”
The woman saw that the tree was good for food,
pleasing to the eyes, and desirable for gaining wisdom.
So she took some of its fruit and ate it;
and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her,
and he ate it.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened,
and they realized that they were naked;
so they sewed fig leaves together
and made loincloths for themselves.

I think it's interesting how we justify sin. We make it go away and not seem like sin. I don't remember where I read it lately, but people rarely do bad things thinking that they're bad. They may know that they're bad, but they make excuses to justify their actions. Eve justified eating the fruit by looking at all of it's good qualities. After they did it, their eyes were opened and things like temptations entered the world. I know after I screw up, all of the justifications usually disappear and I just see the truth - I chose sinfulness over righteousness.

Wow! At least to me, the readings really flow today - Psalm 51, w/ the response "Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned."

Ps 51:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 17

R. (cf. 3a) Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
For I acknowledge my offense,
and my sin is before me always:
“Against you only have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight.”
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your Holy Spirit take not from me.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.
Give me back the joy of your salvation,
and a willing spirit sustain in me.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.
R. Be merciful, O Lord, for we have sinned.

After sinning, we realize we need God's forgiveness and for Him to create a new heart in us... HE must open our mouths to proclaim His praise... it comes from God. We just choose to give it back or to throw it away.

Second reading - Romans 5:12-19

I think I'm going to put a lot of this reading into my talk on the cross for the Rez this weekend. If something like sin can enter the world through one person, how much MORE can grace and salvation enter the world through Christ??

For if, by the transgression of the one,
death came to reign through that one,
how much more will those who receive the abundance of grace
and of the gift of justification
come to reign in life through the one Jesus Christ.

There is so much deep theological stuff in this reading that I can tell is there but goes over my head... here's stuff from Haydock's Bible Commentary, but even a lot of this goes over my head:

Ver. 12. As by one man...in whom [2] all have sinned. That is, in which man all sinned, (not in which death all sinned) as it must be the construction by the Greek text: so that these words are a clear proof of original sin against the Pelagian heretics, as St. Augustine often brings them. Nor does St. Chrysostom deny original sin, though in this place he expounds it that all by Adam's sin were made guilty of death and punishments. But how could they deserve these, had they not sinned in Adam? (Witham)

Ver. 13-14. Until the law, sin was in the world. That is, from Adam's fall, both original sin and actual sins truly infected all mankind. (Witham) --- Not imputed. That is, men knew not, or made no account of sin; neither was it imputed to them, in the manner it was afterwards, when they transgressed the known written law of God. (Challoner) --- All were conceived and born in sin, in what we call original sin, and liable to death, even infants, who were not come to the use of reason, and consequently could not sin after the similitude of the transgression of Adam, or by imitating his sin, but were born in sin: and besides this, all manner of actual sins, which men committed by their own perverse will, reigned every where in the world. But before the law these sins were not imputed, that is, were not declared sins, that deserved such punishments as were ordained by the law. --- Adam, who is a figure of him that was to come. That is, of Christ, whom the apostle calls the last Adam, 1 Corinthians xv. 45. But he was a figure by contraries. By the first Adam, sin and death entered into the world; by Christ, justice and life. (Witham)

Ver. 15. &c. But not as the offence, so also is the gift, or the benefits which mankind receive by their Redeemer, Jesus Christ. For St. Paul here shews that the graces which Christ came to bestow upon men, and offers to all, are much greater than the evils which the sin of one man, Adam, caused. 1. Because, if by the offence of that one man, Adam, many, i.e. all died by original sin that descended from Adam, (the blessed Virgin mother by a special privilege being always excepted) much more that grace of one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many,[3] the comparison does not imply that more in number receive the grace of Christ, than were infected with sin; but that they who receive the graces which are offered to all, receive greater benefits than were the damages caused by the sin of Adam. For the judgment indeed was by one unto condemnation, or so as to make all guilty of one sin, that is, of original sin; and for other actual sins, men committed them by their own proper will; whereas the grace of Christ justifies men from many sins; that is, also from all sins which they have committed by their own malice. 2. Because by it, that is, by the offence of one man, death reigned in the world, and made all men liable to damnation; yet now by the incarnation of Christ, (which would not have been, had not Adam sinned) all they who are justified by the grace of their Redeemer, have Christ God and man for their head: he is become the head of that same mystical body which is his Church: they are exalted to the dignity of being the brothers of Christ, the Son of God; they are made joint heirs with him of the kingdom of heaven, and so by the grace of Christ have a greater dignity in this world, and shall be exalted to a greater and more eminent degree of glory in the kingdom of his glory for all eternity; which hath given occasion to the Church, in her liturgy, to cry out, as it were with a transport of joy, O happy fault, which hath procured us such and so great a Redeemer! See St. Chrysostom,[4] hom. x. (Witham)

http://haydock1859.tripod.com/id149.html

The sin of Adam and Eve takes us away from the initial place God put us - not quite united with Him, but able to walk with Him and talk with Him. The grace of Christ's sacrifice gives us the gift of grace and justification and not only being with Him walking but being ONE with Him... a daughter/son of GOD. It blows my mind.

The Gospel - Matt 4:1-11 - the temptation of Jesus in the desert. Christ never gives in; He never even tries to rationalize or justify. I probably would have said something like, "oh, yah, I will prove that I'm who I say I am," and justified giving into temptation that way. But that's why I'm not God... From Adam and Eve giving into temptation with weak justification, to a plea for mercy, to a commentary from St. Paul about how through Adam sin entered the world and through Christ something so much greater entered the world, to Christ perfectly resisting temptation... wow Church, way to put the readings together this week!

On a personal note - I need to spend a lot less time with people and a lot more alone with God. I see lately how much potential I have to hurt people with nothing more than the over use of words. I need to be open and honest with others about my life. But if I spend more time than is healthy with other people and not enough with God, there is a tremendous potential for me to say things I should never say and simply hurt others through over involvement. If I spend less time with people, I think the time I do spend will be infinitely more meaningful.

I know I've screwed up a lot, especially lately. I only want to do what is right and in God's will. And I strive to do that..but I rationalize doing things that hurt others because of the amount of time I spend daily in conversation that isn't completely Christ-centered. If I spend too much time thinking about my own affairs or especially those of others, I don't leave much time to contemplate the mysteries of God or grow deeper in my relationship with Him.

God's been convicting me a lot lately, but it's all a general theme - cut back on stupid time, spend more time with Him, bring balance to my life, and be open with the people I need to be open with...there just shouldn't be so many that it turns into gossip for me to be open. I just need to address what I need to address with the direct people involved. And I need to be less involved in general, so that there isn't this constant need to solve interpersonal problems...it has to go back to the root problem of over involvement.

Shoot myself in the foot

Last night I realized how much I do miss just taking off...not that I ever really did it all that much or for anything more than a day. But I would just take off and go for walks in the woods or down to the river with nothing but my dog, a few books, and/or a guitar. A few months ago a friend of mine called me out on not getting out into the woods enough. She said she didn't understand the draw, but even from a distance (we've never even lived in the same state) she knew how much I needed it. I've been a real slacker on that though.

It's really not unrealistic for me to plan on quiting everything and hitting the trail in a few years, like our original plan. If I do start grad school in the fall, Jaime and I should finish right around the same time. And I should be able to save up enough to pay for insurances and whatever supplies I'd need to be gone for like 6 months to a year (in case it takes awhile to find a job).

I hate my phone more and more every day. I hate that I can't just let go of it. I'd fast from it for Lent, but I feel like that'd be horribly inconvenient for others. And I hate it, but I don't know if I can quite let go of it yet.

I absolutely love spending quality time with people - like having them over for dinner, going for walks, etc... but there's just been so much lately. So much sharing with so many people and so much being discussed that I don't even know it helps anyone for me to know. Are we helping each other to draw closer to Christ? Or are we just being stupid and dramatic?

It hit me last night when a friend was telling me a little bit about her prior much more Bohemian lifestyle. I love people and security and being depended on too much to just take off, but sometimes, it really tempts me.

One of the things I'm doing for Lent, as per copying one of my roommates, is giving up needless spending. Stopping for coffee when I really don't need it/it isn't a bonding time w/ a kid... getting any kind of clothes I don't absolutely need, etc... the little things that add up. It's going to be interesting to see how my bank account changes over the next forty days.

Ash Wednesday

So today is the start of Lent. I remember my freshmen year of college at Lent. I was so stressed out by how life just seemed to continue on as normal during Lent. A time of preparation for the ultimate sacrifice of our Lord--and classes went on, meetings went on, parties during Holy Week went on... it really bothered me. I wanted to just withdraw from normal society and spend time in prayer with Christ. My sophomore year my band at the time was asked to be the opening band for a show at a bar-esque restaurant on Good Friday. I really considered it before I finally cast my vote for no. By my senior year, I really didn't care. I don't remember where I was for Easter--at school or at home or somewhere else entirely. I don't even remember what I did to try to draw closer to God that Lent. Last year I was still acclimating to life outside of school and just trying to keep my head above water in youth ministry. I feel a world apart from where I was last year.

The beginning of the Lenten season in my missal says, "The word 'Lent' is an ancient word for spring. The season of Lent is a time in our personal lives for new life to appear and for old frozen attitudes to disappear. It is a time to clear the ground, to clear away rubbish. A time for sowing, so that one day, the Day of the Lord, there will be a harvest."

I want this year to be different. I want it to be more than a "I'm just going to give up _____ for Lent." I want to make it be a letting go of some attitudes and rubbish in my life and taking on a renewed life that's refocused on God. I want to be aware again, and more than I've ever been before, of how much I personally need to stay focused on God and how much I have offended Him when I don't.

I know some of the things I need to do in my life, some of the attachments I need to be freed from in order to completely focus on Christ. I see some of the major mistakes I made when I got here. And I hate "changing" around people that already know me one way because it might mean explaining myself or pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But it has to happen. It's not even a real sacrifice, because I know that the joy of being closer to God and walking in a straighter path toward Him is worth SOOO much more than than the discomfort of a little change.

Preconceptions, desire, and jealousy

I just finished re-reading Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. I think that's one of my favorite books of all time. Last time I read it I was really struck by how amazing God's love is for us and how critical the sacrifice of the Cross is. I got that renewed again this time, which was actually why I re-read the book (preparing a talk on the Cross and will probably post some of it soon) but what also hit me was how much preconceptions lead to desire which can lead to jealousy and to sins of a more grave matter.

In the book, sentient beings are created for the first time on the planet Venus. There is one woman and one man. The world is uncorrupted by evil, but the devil attempts to gain a foothold in Venus via a corrupt professor/scientist. Another professor is sent to do God's work in defending the pure world from the evil brought to it.

In one of the first exchanges between the good professor (Ransom) and the Lady, she cannot comprehend the concepts of death or disappointment. She was at first excited to see him, thinking he was the King (her husband) but she could not identify disappointment in her reaction to discovering he was Ransom and not the King. Finding Ransom instead was simply, in her mind, a different good than the one she had expected.

"'What you have made me see,' answered the Lady, 'is as plain as the sky, but I never saw it before. yet it has happened every day. One goes into the forest to pick food and the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one's mind. Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before - that the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you. And if you wished--if it were possible to wish--you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other....

...You and the King differ more than two kinds of fruit. The joy of finding him again and the joy of all the new knowlege I have had from you are more unlike than two tastes; and when the difference is as great as that, and each of the two things so great, then the first picture does stay in the mind quite a long time--many beats of the heart--after the other good has come. And this is the glory and wonder you have made me see; that it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good. Out of my own heart I do it. One can conceive a heart which did not: which clung to the good it had first thought of and turned the good which was given it into no good.'" (p. 69, 1944, Macmillan hardback edition)

That's the start of a concept of not being completely in God's will. To have a preconceived picture of the good that is coming, and then not choose to switch gears and be thankful of the good given. If we don't choose to embrace what God gives us, and there is good that can be found in every situation and gift, and instead cling to something we desire... we're choosing our own will over God's will. We've choosing to desire something that may not ever have been intended for us. Then what if someone else is given what we desire? How easily can jealousy develop!

I think a perfect example of that is vocations discernment. I'm going to put this in the first person. If I have a preconceived notion that my vocation is marriage, I could easily start to think about it, dwell on it, and desire it. Then take it a step further and say there's a man that I'm attracted to and is someone I could see myself marrying . And what if I let myself start to desire a relationship with that man. Then say I see him really connecting with and being attracted to someone else...isn't jealousy the next natural step? It's too late to address jealousy when we let the emotion manifest itself.

In order to really be free from jealousy, we have to go back further than just letting go of something we want when we see someone else has it. We have to let go of desire and before we can do that, we have to keep our preconceptions in check.

I see this happen in so many aspects of my life. We have to have vision and direction, but it needs to be God's vision and direction and we need to be compliant and flexible. I struggle with letting myself become too attached to my own personal visions and plans. Then I compare with how others are doing and I start to compete and I start to get jealous if I think they're doing better than I am. And when things start to go "right" I don't want to let go--even if it might be going to where God really wants me to be.

Isn't it crazy how God can convict us with something new every day? It's like there's always something to work on, always a way to draw closer to God until the day when we're finally completely with Him. Being classically trained, even though it hasn't resulted in me being a particularly good musician, has done more for my walk with Christ than almost anything else. Because in music, there is always a better, you can always practice more. Even the best performance is never quite perfect. Even if all the notes are perfectly nailed, there could always be better tone or expression. There is such a thing as perfect, but we don't really know what that sounds like. But we always, always, always strive for perfection. There are peaks and valleys, plateaus, etc... in musical development. It also teaches patience and listening. When I started my classical training, I couldn't sit still and focus on practicing for five minutes, let alone sit and pray and listen to God for five minutes. By the time I left Radford, I could sit in a practice room for two hours straight with nothing but my guitar and was prepared to sit in the presence of Christ and just LISTEN. It's still very difficult for me to be quiet for very long in prayer, but I think music was a massive tool God used in my life to accelerate my ability to focus and listen for His voice.

And people have different musical gifts, that come together to be something far greater than they are alone. There are many gifts, but only one Spirit who gives them all. It's all music. All of our different talents are straight from God. They're just manifest in different ways, and different people are open to the Spirit in varying degrees.